On seeking wholeness and puddle-jumping

Just when we can take it no longer, spring shows up. 

I cannot even begin to describe the glory in the warm sun, fading snow drifts, breaking out my new puddle boots and bright yellow spring jacket, not to mention the smiling faces of my kids bounding off the bus in t-shirts, stomping through mud, the shrieks of joy, smiles from strangers while running errands. We are all feeling saved today! This weekend is brimming with hope and joy and we are giddy with anticipation!

Today I genuinely believed that sunshine was the cure for my brokenness.

But it's not.

It is, no doubt, a life-giver, a source of growth and warmth in a cold world. It drags the seasons behind it in compliance, and us as well. Still, not my cure-all, as much as I try to prove otherwise tromping purposefully through the deepest side of a glimmering pool of melted snow.

This afternoon all my inner messes were covered up with the pursuit of just a little more sun, the pursuit of wholeness. But as soothing and healing as it was, it was more like salve on open wounds than miraculous healing.

I've been guilty of reducing God to the one who is making me whole, complete. Is that my greatest desire- to feel whole instead of this nagging brokenness? I do hope for that wholeness and there are moments where I catch a glimpse of it, like today and the wonder at the beauty of the seasons and these life cycles. But I'm talking bigger picture here, and I'm beginning to think God is more than that perfection that we imagine lies at the far-reaches of eternity.

See, I desperately need a God who is with me when the sun doesn't shine.

Maybe wholeness isn't the right goal when it becomes almost a fantasy.

Maybe certainty isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Maybe they've become idols.

Peter Rollins says, 'God is in the midst of life, and where two or three are gathered together, and not out there to be grasped but rather in the depth of life itself.'

Embracing our brokenness, our mess, our failures, without being overwhelmed by them, is where we find wholeness and meaning. Isn't that the scandal of the life of Jesus? That this Good News is for the screw-ups, for the cast-offs, for the ones who deserve it the least?

Read the Psalms and you'll see proof that God is in the full range of human emotions. This life sometimes is not full of hope and joy- sometimes life feels full of crap. God is there.

Sometimes we're stuck in the dead of winter. God is there. 

And when the sun isn't enough and my wounds open again, God is there. In this. Right here with me.